'Can I really, truly keep him?'

 (picture is of my son on his first day at home, 12 hours old)

I have just returned from visiting one of my closest friends. She gave birth on Monday to her first daughter and today I had the honour of going over to meet the little stunner. As I walked through the door, I felt an unexpected emotional rush seeing her cradling her newborn baby and looking every inch the perfect, content and blissfully happy new mummy. It was an image I’ll always remember if through slightly blurred vision due to the tears I couldn’t hold back.

 

Those initial days when you bring your first baby home are some of the most beautiful of all time. They take on a surreal, hazy glaze over time and they form the beginning of the highly emotional and joyous journey you will travel through during parenthood.

 

I remember recognising a similar feeling to that of when you first move house. All your stuff is there but it kind of feels different as it is in a different place. Now you are home with your baby, it’s still your home but now it has a tiny baby with a huge presence in it and everything has changed in an instant. Every room feels different, a bit more new and special. My husband and I were so polite to each other, feeling our way around our new roles as mummy and daddy. Even the making of a cup of tea felt strange. The baby that was inside me was suddenly out and we were experiencing love and worry and joy on a level that felt stratospheric.

 

The moses basket which had stood in anticipation for weeks and the sheets washed and re washed, now cradled a little life. The sleepsuits and nappies that had been so lovingly folded, touched, refolded, smoothed over and held imagining the life that would fill them were now filled and the little head poking out the top is warm and soft. The nights take on a magical turn as suddenly any hour is ready to be filled with feeds, changes and checking. Hushed whispers as you watch and listen and wonder in bewilderment how you could produce something so perfect.

 

He slept for hours through the day yet the hours flew as I stroked his cheeks, checked every part of him and fell in love deeper and deeper then I knew it went. As he scrunched his nose and pouted his lips, I asked myself again ‘Is he really mine? Can I really, truly keep him?’

 

Friends and family came and went; some seeming almost alien in our cosy cocooned environment whilst others left me teary eyed and emotional due to the overwhelming feelings of comfort they brought. Flowers covered the surfaces, biscuits and cakes were replenished and endless cups of tea, coffee and juice passed the lips of those around me.

 

As the first two weeks came to an end, I couldn’t remember a life without this little angel in it. I had experienced love and worry in abundance and knew that ‘real life’ would start again soon. The midwife discharged me and information regarding vaccinations, registrations, 6 - week checks, hearing tests and health visitors formed a swell of new responsibility around us.

 

For the moment though, all I wanted to do was curl up and cuddle. Grow in confidence feeding and changing and bathing. Get to know my new body and how it felt to no longer be pregnant but instead be a mummy. The words that kept whirling around my mind: ‘I am a mummy. I have done it. I gave birth. I have a son. I am the luckiest lady in the whole wide world.’ 

I am so proud of my friend and I wish her and her partner all the love and happiness in the world for their new little family.  xx

Big Grins

I am very excited about the start of this new decade. 2010. It is one that I had pinpointed as special since I was a little girl as it would be the one that would see me turn 30! I have been looking forward to becoming 30 since I was about 5 years old. Odd? Maybe! My mum installed this love in me (as she did a love of many things being so full of love that she is) due to her own love of being 30. ‘Oh my darling, being 30 was the best ever. It was the year that I had YOU!’ Now, this is not to say that the years she had my sisters were any less wonderful, it’s just that I was a much longed for third baby (my sisters are 5 and 7 years older than me) and one that she could relax and enjoy with a lot more confidence in her ability.

 

Like me, my mum always feels young. She is an August birthday so the youngest in her year at school. It was her 60^th birthday this year and she celebrated with every joy for every year and has done for every birthday I can remember. She celebrates getting older and appreciates each year and I am the same. I could never dread a birthday or wish to turn back the clock as I am excited about the prospect of the future and grateful for whatever the past has allowed me so far. I also always feel young having been the youngest in the family and often in social groups I have been part of. I was always the ‘little one’ and always the one who was underage in the pub or 14 when the cinema required a 15, so now I am just happy not to cause a threat to the enjoyment of the evening by being refused service/entry. I wouldn’t mind being asked for id now though especially since I have never even been looked at twice at the bar/check out since turning 18 – oh, the injustice!

 

I have had an amazing and bursting to the seams 20’s including graduation, first jobs, spreading my wings into the real world, beautiful new friendships, parties and fun, many houses and homes, travel, meeting and falling in love with my soul mate, marriage, two incredible children, health and happiness beyond any expectation 10 years ago. Even my eager 19 –year- old self who was at university with hopes and dreams like anyone else would not have ever imagined such a fabulous decade and so I feel absolutely ready to take on the next. I have developed a love of life, love of others and love of myself that will hopefully enable me to lead my children through their formative years with the confidence my mum spoke of.

 

My growing maturity has taught me that there is so much more out there, so much to learn and so much to grow from. I do not have to do it all now and nobody expects me to know it all. Nobody is perfect, certainly not me. I am aware of some of my short comings and less favorable personality traits and I am sure that I will learn of many more over of years but I will always be working to improve on them. 

 I have more body confidence now that I no longer fight against my natural curves trying to change them into a size not me. Amazingly this led to a ‘happy weight’ that was below my ‘fighting weight’ and I am now feeling balanced, fulfilled and satisfied as a result. I have discovered the importance of exercise and love being a non - smoker. I know that a bad hair day or bad face day or bad anything else day is not the end of the world and it will pass as quickly as it arrived.  I know that a huge, true grin in photos squeezing someone you love even though it squashes your cheeks is always more beautiful than a pout and a side ways pose.

 

I know that being surrounded by love and feeling love in all its forms is precious and should never be taken for granted. I know that as long as you have your health you can achieve anything.

 

I am full of expectation for this new decade and will be working on turning my next set of hopes and dreams into realistic goals and targets for the next stage of my life. I now have a solid base from which to build and a strong support around me in which to bounce off if I slide or fall. I am in no rush to get anywhere as I am so much more aware of enjoying life for the moment and enjoying the NOW.

 

I am so excited about turning 30 next month and will celebrate every one of my 30 years on this earth with a huge grin hopefully with my cheek squashed up against the three best things from the last decade…my husband, my son and my daughter. How could my 30’s be anything but insanely perfect with them in my life? 

Home sweet Home

After a wonderfully busy Christmas break, we are back and I have just about got the laundry basket down from it's post holiday 555% over capacity to it's usual 90% full. Actually should that be 10% empty and does that make me an optimist or a pessimist? 

Anyway, we're back and the routine is slotting easily back into place. The kids are so excited about the snow that they haven't noticed the removal of decorations and all things christmassy so the January blow has been softened. For all of us.

I hope that everyone had a very happy christmas, a fantastic new year and that 2010 brings every joy, health and happiness you deserve.

Welcome 2010.......it's going to be a fabulous year! xxxx

Let it snow

Christmas is one of my favourite times of year especially now I am fortunate enough to be able to share it with little ones. I am loving everything about the festivities, quite possibly more than ever before, as the children are just ‘getting it’ so much now.

 

My son had his pre-school concert held in the nursery and he was a very special reindeer. My husband, my daughter and I went to watch on Tuesday and, after I got over the huge desire to just blubber overtaken by emotion of 26 mini people all sitting so beautifully in their haphazard costumes with varying degrees of confusion on their faces, watched with pride and amazement at their combined courage and talent. My son had a very important line, addressing Father Christmas, he said ‘We can get you out. Hold onto our antlers’ and then with his fellow reindeer, he pulled FC out of the chimney where he had been stuck throughout the play. A stunning rendition of ‘The Reindeer Cokey’ followed in which antlers and hoofs were put in and out and my heart broke for a minute or two as I watched my little man dancing his little reindeer legs off.

 

I had witnessed the rehearsal on the Monday complete with my daughter as my regular day to help in my son’s class normally coincides with my daughter’s morning in playgroup but, as that has now finished for the holiday, she spent the full session in with us. She loved every minute and I could feel her radiating ‘I am so grown up now’ joy for hours after! It also meant that when we watched the play for real, she knew the songs and clapped and sung along pointing with pride at her big brother all the way through.

 

We have visited several grottos as I not-so-secretly love this as much as the kids and if we meet a particularly good Santa, then I can allow myself to be convinced and swept up in the fantastical magic along with the intended believers. Today we accidentally visited another grotto whilst meeting friends in the snow for a final pre - Christmas catch up. There he was, sitting in his glory and it didn’t take much before we were in the surprisingly short queue eager to be introduced. He was by far the best so far and chatted happily, addressing each of the four children by their names, discussing his Christmas Eve wishes and even answering my questions regarding what would be the best course of action should he get stuck up the chimney. The kids clearly adored every moment and he gave them the gift of Christmas magic that they will remember way beyond their childhood.

Happiness is.....

They say it comes in threes and my goodness it has for me. The tail end of my flu offered a small dose of toothache reminding me that I still haven’t sorted out THAT tooth which has plagued my nightmares for years. I am totally dentist phobic and have got as far as the dentist chair a number of times, I’ve been x rayed, I’ve been brave for my kids to set a good example, I’ve been when pregnant as I knew they couldn’t hurt me but I have managed to avoid any actual drilling for many years. I have always known THAT tooth needed work since the filling fell out 5 years ago and I had a temporary one put in over two years ago (the pregnancy visit) and then the x ray a few months ago confirmed that we were now at root canal stage. I have spent months building up the courage to get my butt back in the chair and it took this last bout of toothache to get me there.

 

So, I arrived and after briefly considering doing a runner from the waiting room, I was called in by a lovely, smiling lady (good start). She and the smiley dentist (v good start) welcomed me in and I promptly burst into tears. After using the tissues they swiftly produced (I got the feeling I wasn’t the first the shed a tear or 50), I said my speech that I had carefully constructed including a plea not to hurt me too much and then settled back on the dreaded chair. After a few minutes I realised that I was going to have to open my mouth. We decided that it was best he just get on and do it there and then as my history of bailing and avoidance didn’t bode well for a return visit so I succumbed to the injection and lay back facing my fear and ready to join the root canal club.

 

The injections weren’t as bad as I thought and once numb, I actually did relax and, as he drilled, I just visualised all that horrible decay and the stress THAT tooth had provided over the years being eroded and cleaned. I reasoned that giving birth to my two babies with just gas and air and actually having to be a very active part of that particular job, this was easy. I had completely lost feeling and I didn’t have to do anything. Goodness, this was a break of sorts, a holiday. I could lie back and do nothing. Bonus! Pass me a cocktail.

 

So, he’s drilling and then he stops and asks me a few questions about what hurts, when it hurt etc and then he looks at the x- ray and his notes and then he delivers news that, had I not got a tongue suction and clamp on my numb mouth, I may just have sat up and kissed him for. ‘You do not need a root canal, just a big filling’. My shaking from nerves did a U-turn and morphed into a shaking from joy! After all that worry, all those opinions and even considering removing the tooth as I couldn’t face work being done, I now hear that I just needed a filling.

 

Thank you kind dentist and thank you lovely smiley dental nurse – you have just helped me tick off a huge item from my ‘Things to do before I am 30’ list and I couldn’t be happier!

 

Happiness is….going in for a root canal and coming out with a filling.

 

Silk Purse

Following my tonsillitis, I got suspected swine flu and I can honestly say that I have never felt so ill in my whole life. It left me completely incapable of using my muscles for over 24 hours and then able to, but with immense pain, for a further 48 and then I remained weak for another seven days on top of that. I won’t go into any more detail as it is not fun to read or write and I am now regaining my motivation, awaking my inner voice to inspire me and working on putting the last couple of weeks behind me.

 

I spent some time trying to find positives as I lay with only my brain working and very slowly at that. I decided:

 

- The children are absolutely fine

- I have a warm home and plenty of food and water

- I am lucky to live in a developed county where I have doctors and health services provided

- I have a loving husband who could look after me and, more importantly, the children and was able take two days off work to do so

- Tamiflu

- Neurofen and paracetamol

- I did not have any major events to miss such as a wedding day

- It will be better by Christmas

- I will get better, many people live with pain like this for long periods if not, forever

- I now appreciate my health even more

 

I also took some time to review my lifestyle and realised a few changes I could make. I always want to achieve the most I can in the time I have and sometimes I may push myself a bit too hard. I also feel that I need to keep going at a high-  speed rate or I am slacking. Having been forced to have two days rest and a further week at snail pace, I have realised how much I actually do every day and how perhaps I owe myself a break after working at this speed for such a long time. I think I felt my body show some weakness for the first time and I got protective and wanted to look after it.

 

For example, I have an hour and half each week on a Friday morning during term time when my son is at preschool and my daughter is at playgroup. I normally plan this time to precision so as not to waste it – I clean the cupboards, wash all the floors, go for a run or bleach the bathrooms. I try to achieve as much in this time as possible so I don’t feel like I have wasted it. I have now reviewed this and decided maybe, just maybe, I deserve to reserve this time for relaxation. It is, after all, what I would recommend a client to do in the same situation. I may decide to come home and have a leisurely bath, or go for a long swim, or go and sit in a coffee shop and read a magazine. This does not make me a bad person or a slacker, this makes me balanced.

 

I am behind on my courses, I am behind on my Italian, I am behind on my coaching, I am behind on the housework and I am behind on Christmas. What I have spent the time catching up on is my kids as they are my priority and I really did not enjoy struggling to do my job as mummy. I owe my husband some serious loving as he has been so patient, taken on extra responsibility incredibly and done it all with a beautiful smile. I know that everything can wait, I will get around to doing it all and so I am not going to stress - I want to wait until I can do everything properly.

 

I have had extra time with my daughter, as I have not been able to go to the gym, so we have been spending all morning together whilst my son is at preschool. It has been so lovely to have unrushed, unstructured time to just hang out and play and cuddle. I normally try to squash everything in to the morning and we rush here and there so this has been really a bit special. My husband went in to work a bit later and we went for hot chocolate together. It was gorgeous to be sitting together at the beginning of the day rather than in the tiredness of the evening and we chatted and walked our daughter down the river leisurely.

 

So, I thought I had balance. I thought I was fitting everything in and filling our lives with interesting and enjoyable activities but having taken stock and stepped back from my own life for a little while, I can see that it will do us all no harm to take it down a gear or two. The world will not stop, we will not fall off the edge, we will hopefully just enjoy the view a little bit more. 

Rainbows

I am writing this whilst chuckling (well, the chuckling turns into a cough and then a sneeze) re-reading my ‘10 reasons I am grateful for my body post’ at number 5 in particular. 

‘It has an excellent immune system and I am rarely ill’ 

Maybe rarely, but when I am, I do it properly. Oh my goodness, I have felt it this week. It started with a sore throat, to which I laughed in the face of, and protested that I wasn’t sick and that people who say they are sick, will fulfil that belief. OK. Maybe my inner voice was saying it as the sore throat worked its way around my body. At the cinema with my husband that night, it was only the sheer block buster edge of your seat viewing of ‘2012’ that kept me from curling into a little ball on my flip up chair. The bike ride home in the rain (“I don’t need a taxi, I am NOT sick”) pretty much finished me off . 

The rest of the week passed in a bit of a blur with me half battling with the idea of being ill and half pretending I was fine as two energetic children do not leave you a lot of time to sit and count your Strepsils. I gave in to the doctor visit (“why would I bother going to sit in a waiting room risking getting other peoples’ bugs to be told it’s just viral and to sit it out’) and was told that it was just viral and I should sit it out.

 

By the end of the week I felt much better, I could talk, eat a little (a major highlight of my week was my thoughtful husband bringing home cookie dough ice cream – in sickness and in health he was definitely onto a winner there.) and was proud of myself for taking everything slowly, resting where possible, early nights, drying my hair and wearing a scarf around my neck (very important apparently so says my, not only thoughtful but also very patient and sensible, husband as he watches me fly out of the house with my coat open and my hair damp)

 

I picked my son up from pre -school on Friday to be met with him proudly staggering out of school with the pet carrier every parent silently dreads on a Friday. We had the pleasure of Buster, the class dog for the weekend. Each child takes it in turns to take him home and then documents what Buster does over the weekend. Each parent prays that they are not the family to lose him or break him.

 

We were due to head into London to visit Santa in Selfridges so with a quick stop at home to drop off Buster’s overnight gear and a quick belt, elastic band and dressing up scarf designed into a coat, Buster was securely fastened to my son in the hope that Buster would make it home in one piece and back to school on Monday. At this point, to avoid any RSPCA visits, I should clarify that Buster is a beanie toy.

 

Now, on Sunday night, we have spent a wonderful weekend with Buster and I have found myself very attached to him. He has been a welcome addition to our little party and I even found myself popping him in a sock today to keep him warm and making sure that he was brought outside to appreciate the incredible the rainbow we saw this afternoon. My son and daughter have demonstrated excellent paternal/maternal tendencies and I have loved watching them include him into their lives so beautifully. 

 

I was almost too wrapped up in my temporary third dependant to notice that my virus is failing to shift and I am now ploughing my way through the third set of throat sweets which promise to be the best and the strongest and the ones that will change my life. I am frustrated with having to slow down but I am trying to put into practice some of the relaxation I have been learning on my course. I have not been able to maintain any cardio since last Saturday however I have been OK for both Pilates sessions so far which I am already a ‘sing it from the rooftops’ fan of. 

 

Personally, my moment of joy and the sliver lining to this tonsillitis covered cloud comes as I open up that cookies dough tub and eat it without a shadow of guilt.