'Can I really, truly keep him?'

 (picture is of my son on his first day at home, 12 hours old)

I have just returned from visiting one of my closest friends. She gave birth on Monday to her first daughter and today I had the honour of going over to meet the little stunner. As I walked through the door, I felt an unexpected emotional rush seeing her cradling her newborn baby and looking every inch the perfect, content and blissfully happy new mummy. It was an image I’ll always remember if through slightly blurred vision due to the tears I couldn’t hold back.

 

Those initial days when you bring your first baby home are some of the most beautiful of all time. They take on a surreal, hazy glaze over time and they form the beginning of the highly emotional and joyous journey you will travel through during parenthood.

 

I remember recognising a similar feeling to that of when you first move house. All your stuff is there but it kind of feels different as it is in a different place. Now you are home with your baby, it’s still your home but now it has a tiny baby with a huge presence in it and everything has changed in an instant. Every room feels different, a bit more new and special. My husband and I were so polite to each other, feeling our way around our new roles as mummy and daddy. Even the making of a cup of tea felt strange. The baby that was inside me was suddenly out and we were experiencing love and worry and joy on a level that felt stratospheric.

 

The moses basket which had stood in anticipation for weeks and the sheets washed and re washed, now cradled a little life. The sleepsuits and nappies that had been so lovingly folded, touched, refolded, smoothed over and held imagining the life that would fill them were now filled and the little head poking out the top is warm and soft. The nights take on a magical turn as suddenly any hour is ready to be filled with feeds, changes and checking. Hushed whispers as you watch and listen and wonder in bewilderment how you could produce something so perfect.

 

He slept for hours through the day yet the hours flew as I stroked his cheeks, checked every part of him and fell in love deeper and deeper then I knew it went. As he scrunched his nose and pouted his lips, I asked myself again ‘Is he really mine? Can I really, truly keep him?’

 

Friends and family came and went; some seeming almost alien in our cosy cocooned environment whilst others left me teary eyed and emotional due to the overwhelming feelings of comfort they brought. Flowers covered the surfaces, biscuits and cakes were replenished and endless cups of tea, coffee and juice passed the lips of those around me.

 

As the first two weeks came to an end, I couldn’t remember a life without this little angel in it. I had experienced love and worry in abundance and knew that ‘real life’ would start again soon. The midwife discharged me and information regarding vaccinations, registrations, 6 - week checks, hearing tests and health visitors formed a swell of new responsibility around us.

 

For the moment though, all I wanted to do was curl up and cuddle. Grow in confidence feeding and changing and bathing. Get to know my new body and how it felt to no longer be pregnant but instead be a mummy. The words that kept whirling around my mind: ‘I am a mummy. I have done it. I gave birth. I have a son. I am the luckiest lady in the whole wide world.’ 

I am so proud of my friend and I wish her and her partner all the love and happiness in the world for their new little family.  xx