'Can I really, truly keep him?'

 (picture is of my son on his first day at home, 12 hours old)

I have just returned from visiting one of my closest friends. She gave birth on Monday to her first daughter and today I had the honour of going over to meet the little stunner. As I walked through the door, I felt an unexpected emotional rush seeing her cradling her newborn baby and looking every inch the perfect, content and blissfully happy new mummy. It was an image I’ll always remember if through slightly blurred vision due to the tears I couldn’t hold back.

 

Those initial days when you bring your first baby home are some of the most beautiful of all time. They take on a surreal, hazy glaze over time and they form the beginning of the highly emotional and joyous journey you will travel through during parenthood.

 

I remember recognising a similar feeling to that of when you first move house. All your stuff is there but it kind of feels different as it is in a different place. Now you are home with your baby, it’s still your home but now it has a tiny baby with a huge presence in it and everything has changed in an instant. Every room feels different, a bit more new and special. My husband and I were so polite to each other, feeling our way around our new roles as mummy and daddy. Even the making of a cup of tea felt strange. The baby that was inside me was suddenly out and we were experiencing love and worry and joy on a level that felt stratospheric.

 

The moses basket which had stood in anticipation for weeks and the sheets washed and re washed, now cradled a little life. The sleepsuits and nappies that had been so lovingly folded, touched, refolded, smoothed over and held imagining the life that would fill them were now filled and the little head poking out the top is warm and soft. The nights take on a magical turn as suddenly any hour is ready to be filled with feeds, changes and checking. Hushed whispers as you watch and listen and wonder in bewilderment how you could produce something so perfect.

 

He slept for hours through the day yet the hours flew as I stroked his cheeks, checked every part of him and fell in love deeper and deeper then I knew it went. As he scrunched his nose and pouted his lips, I asked myself again ‘Is he really mine? Can I really, truly keep him?’

 

Friends and family came and went; some seeming almost alien in our cosy cocooned environment whilst others left me teary eyed and emotional due to the overwhelming feelings of comfort they brought. Flowers covered the surfaces, biscuits and cakes were replenished and endless cups of tea, coffee and juice passed the lips of those around me.

 

As the first two weeks came to an end, I couldn’t remember a life without this little angel in it. I had experienced love and worry in abundance and knew that ‘real life’ would start again soon. The midwife discharged me and information regarding vaccinations, registrations, 6 - week checks, hearing tests and health visitors formed a swell of new responsibility around us.

 

For the moment though, all I wanted to do was curl up and cuddle. Grow in confidence feeding and changing and bathing. Get to know my new body and how it felt to no longer be pregnant but instead be a mummy. The words that kept whirling around my mind: ‘I am a mummy. I have done it. I gave birth. I have a son. I am the luckiest lady in the whole wide world.’ 

I am so proud of my friend and I wish her and her partner all the love and happiness in the world for their new little family.  xx

Big Grins

I am very excited about the start of this new decade. 2010. It is one that I had pinpointed as special since I was a little girl as it would be the one that would see me turn 30! I have been looking forward to becoming 30 since I was about 5 years old. Odd? Maybe! My mum installed this love in me (as she did a love of many things being so full of love that she is) due to her own love of being 30. ‘Oh my darling, being 30 was the best ever. It was the year that I had YOU!’ Now, this is not to say that the years she had my sisters were any less wonderful, it’s just that I was a much longed for third baby (my sisters are 5 and 7 years older than me) and one that she could relax and enjoy with a lot more confidence in her ability.

 

Like me, my mum always feels young. She is an August birthday so the youngest in her year at school. It was her 60^th birthday this year and she celebrated with every joy for every year and has done for every birthday I can remember. She celebrates getting older and appreciates each year and I am the same. I could never dread a birthday or wish to turn back the clock as I am excited about the prospect of the future and grateful for whatever the past has allowed me so far. I also always feel young having been the youngest in the family and often in social groups I have been part of. I was always the ‘little one’ and always the one who was underage in the pub or 14 when the cinema required a 15, so now I am just happy not to cause a threat to the enjoyment of the evening by being refused service/entry. I wouldn’t mind being asked for id now though especially since I have never even been looked at twice at the bar/check out since turning 18 – oh, the injustice!

 

I have had an amazing and bursting to the seams 20’s including graduation, first jobs, spreading my wings into the real world, beautiful new friendships, parties and fun, many houses and homes, travel, meeting and falling in love with my soul mate, marriage, two incredible children, health and happiness beyond any expectation 10 years ago. Even my eager 19 –year- old self who was at university with hopes and dreams like anyone else would not have ever imagined such a fabulous decade and so I feel absolutely ready to take on the next. I have developed a love of life, love of others and love of myself that will hopefully enable me to lead my children through their formative years with the confidence my mum spoke of.

 

My growing maturity has taught me that there is so much more out there, so much to learn and so much to grow from. I do not have to do it all now and nobody expects me to know it all. Nobody is perfect, certainly not me. I am aware of some of my short comings and less favorable personality traits and I am sure that I will learn of many more over of years but I will always be working to improve on them. 

 I have more body confidence now that I no longer fight against my natural curves trying to change them into a size not me. Amazingly this led to a ‘happy weight’ that was below my ‘fighting weight’ and I am now feeling balanced, fulfilled and satisfied as a result. I have discovered the importance of exercise and love being a non - smoker. I know that a bad hair day or bad face day or bad anything else day is not the end of the world and it will pass as quickly as it arrived.  I know that a huge, true grin in photos squeezing someone you love even though it squashes your cheeks is always more beautiful than a pout and a side ways pose.

 

I know that being surrounded by love and feeling love in all its forms is precious and should never be taken for granted. I know that as long as you have your health you can achieve anything.

 

I am full of expectation for this new decade and will be working on turning my next set of hopes and dreams into realistic goals and targets for the next stage of my life. I now have a solid base from which to build and a strong support around me in which to bounce off if I slide or fall. I am in no rush to get anywhere as I am so much more aware of enjoying life for the moment and enjoying the NOW.

 

I am so excited about turning 30 next month and will celebrate every one of my 30 years on this earth with a huge grin hopefully with my cheek squashed up against the three best things from the last decade…my husband, my son and my daughter. How could my 30’s be anything but insanely perfect with them in my life? 

Home sweet Home

After a wonderfully busy Christmas break, we are back and I have just about got the laundry basket down from it's post holiday 555% over capacity to it's usual 90% full. Actually should that be 10% empty and does that make me an optimist or a pessimist? 

Anyway, we're back and the routine is slotting easily back into place. The kids are so excited about the snow that they haven't noticed the removal of decorations and all things christmassy so the January blow has been softened. For all of us.

I hope that everyone had a very happy christmas, a fantastic new year and that 2010 brings every joy, health and happiness you deserve.

Welcome 2010.......it's going to be a fabulous year! xxxx